I know I haven’t written in a while, life has been busy and in that I haven’t had much inspiration to write because I’m too busy trying to maintain everything. I prefer my blog have quality over quantity anyway. There are a lot of transitions taking place in my life right now.

The time finally came for me to give notice at my job that I am leaving. It felt great to get that burden off of my chest, because I knew it was coming for a while. I never imagined myself working in corporate America being a salon girl and all, and it was an interesting few years. I learned a lot and am thankful for the blessing, because the job was practically handed to me.

 Moving on also consists of some transitions taking place on the homefront…literally. I’m house hunting! LOL! I’m already excited to get the ball rolling, and start decorating. I’ll also have to get used to a new area as we are leaving our current city, and I AM NOT looking forward to giving up all of my favorite restaurants and stores!

 My three-year old will be at home with me as I take on “Mom duty” full-time until he is in school. After that I can finally start doing the things I want to do. A while back I got ahead of myself and thought that what I wanted to do should happen right away. I had to realize that things have to happen in a certain order. Sometimes you have to put your goals to the side for the greater good of your household. Rushing to make something happen will only lead to disaster. Many women feel this pressure to have successful careers as well as families, but often times one of those will suffer. I will not sacrifice the well-being of my children and household to chase a career. They come first PERIOD. I think this is how a lot of kids end up getting into trouble because there is not enough time given to holding down the home, and to nurturing them.

A few weekends ago, hubby and I volunteered at the North Texas Food bank and it was such a wonderful experience. Our group packaged enough food to provide almost 11,000 meals! A few years ago I had done some research into opening a food pantry, and having this experience reassured me that this is something I’d like to do one day.

My summer will be full and I’m looking forward to the positive changes. From my heart I’d like to remind you that life is a road full of never-ending possibilities.

Be blessed!

By “helping” I mean using your resources (home, money, etc) and knowledge to assist  someone in getting started in life, or back on their feet. Basically you have taken on this personal crusade to turn someone’s bad situation into something positive. They may have even cried out to you first, but you gladly opened your arms.

The first thing you have to determine is whether you are doing this for YOURSELF, or the person seemingly in need of help? Are you doing this to make yourself look good or to have something to brag about? Do you find yourself being over-zealous in trying to manage someone else’s life, not realizing that they couldn’t care less how things turn out?

I had to learn this the hard way in a recent situation. I had to step back and realize that I was being a little self-centered in thinking I was in such a position to be helping anybody in the first place. Not that I’m down and out, but I already have a  lot on my plate. Furthermore, getting bothered and offended when my help was rejected or ignored showed me that I was making it about me. After all, it isn’t my life.  But you all should know me by now. I’m passionate about everything I involve myself in, and I don’t do anything half heartedly. So frustration set in.

Newsflash: It’s not about you.

Consider the mentality of  the person you wish to help. After frustration comes the realization that this person doesn’t think they need any help, or they think they know everything and have all of the answers already. In this case, leave them be! No matter how much you love them, you have to let them go. They will have to fall on their face a few times, hit rock bottom, or humble themselves before any of your help (or anyone else’s) can be received. That is just a part of life.

I have to say that the worst part of all this is the thanklessness. There is nothing worse than putting yourself, your time, efforts, and money into someone and not even be thanked! I pondered on that a bit and realized it could be me taking it too personal and making it about me, because when you truly help someone, you should do it out of the kindness of your heart, without expecting anything in return.  But a little gratitude should certainly be credited!

At the end of it all, you should be able to sleep at night knowing you tried, you did all that you could do, and you were there for them. That’s all that matters. What they choose to do or not do, is not on you. Just learn to discern in the future between who is worthy, and who will only end up wasting your time.

Be blessed!

Have you ever lost touch with someone you were once really cool with, only to find out years later that they are not the same person you thought you knew? Somewhere, somehow they went down a wrong path in life, or got connected to the wrong people and it affected them for the worse. They are constantly in trouble and/or making one bad choice after another, yet you still have this romanticized view of the person they used to be?

TAKE OFF THE ROSE TINTED GLASSES AND THROW THEM IN THE TRASH! THEN TAKE THE BAG OUT TO AN OPEN FIELD AND BURN IT!

 Not really, but you get the point…lol.

Be careful before you go opening doors again and allowing them to come in freely. Living this life requires too much discernment than to be walking around deceiving yourself about people you knew from back in the day. Sometimes they change. They may look the same, but it is not the same person, and if you are not careful they will pull you down the drain of failure with them. Some things should be taken at face value such as criminal records, histories of abuse, violence, addiction, lying, and habitual unfaithfulness. See people for who they really are, not what you think they are or should be. Make them prove themselves first.

 It’s also unhealthy to open your life to people who prove time and time again to love drama and engaging in beef. They always have to be mad about something or somebody. If you have a friend or family member who is constantly feuding with people or mad about some ridiculously perceived offense, keep them at a distance because it will be a constant cycle of you being the “offender” and them being the victim. You make up, and six months later they are mad about something else. You don’t speak for a year or more, eventually reconcile, and the cycle repeats. Why bother? What is making you feel obligated to dealing with this mess? Just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean you are obligated to have them in your life. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, but you just don’t need to deal with all the baggage they carry. It’s torturous and draining.

These are the people you have to love from a distance. Their presence in your life will cause you unnecessary stress as you will always have to walk on eggshells wondering what you did wrong this time. They will take everything the wrong way, accuse you of things you didn’t do or mean, and cut you off and bad talk you to others without even having the balls to talk to you about what they are mad about in the first place. Real adults discuss their problems and come to a resolution. I cannot deal with overly sensitive people!

Lastly, it’s unhealthy to put all of your emotions into someone else’s unhealthy relationship. Adults will make their own decisions and do what they want. Just because you can see the light in their situation, doesn’t mean they can, nor will they be ready to act accordingly. They have to learn on their own. Getting upset about their choices in partnership and the things they put up with when there is nothing you can do about it, is a waste of energy. If you find that they are always trying to involve you in their toxic relationships, step back and keep some distance. Be there for them when it really counts, but otherwise pray for them and keep it moving.

Drop me a line if you can relate. Be blessed!

This post is dedicated to those of you who could use some polishing up in the “friendship” area. One thing I have learned is that you get what you give. So let’s get down to it…

1. Communication goes both ways – Don’t hold someone on the phone for hours telling them the latest details in your soap opera of a life, and then after getting the feedback you need, hang up…not asking them how they are or what is going on in their life. I have dealt with many people like this and they are vultures. They suck the energy out of you and leave you exhausted. Also, don’t ONLY call when you need a favor or to vent. Call just to check on your friend if you truly care. Many people won’t open up and say that something is wrong if they aren’t asked.

2. Transportation goes both ways – My good friend Kimberlie said this and it is so true. Cars, trains, planes, buses, etc go both ways. Why is it the only time you can see someone is when they visit you? Don’t always expect your friend to do all of the visiting. They have financial hardships, and time restrictions just like you. It is SELFISH to always expect your friend to do the legwork. Every time I go back home to Chicago to visit, I’m bombarded with requests to come see people, but a vacation is a vacation right? So I’m supposed to run around the city in such a short amount of time visiting umpteen people…who wouldn’t or don’t ever come to see me? Really?

3. Stop involving your friends in your drama – If your life is out of control and you have a lot of negativity going on, take some time to re-evaluate things and get it together. It is true that a real friend is “ride or die”, but also a true friend will not involve their friends in unneccessary mess. People have been put in life threatening situations at the stupidity of their friends. I befriended a chick several years ago who was in a terrible relationship. At the time I was about 8 months pregnant and she called me at 4am talking about she was delirious and driving around the city aimlessly because her husband had not only beat her, but had left to go over his other woman’s house. She was trying to find this woman’s house but was lost, confused, and upset. All I could think of was “You want me, at 8 MONTHS PREGNANT to get out of my bed at 4am, somehow find you, and go with you to confront your ABUSIVE husband and his other woman? SERIOUSLY!?” Needless to say that was the last time I ever talked to her. She was also notorious for calling me crying for hours on the phone talking about her drama, never asking me how I was doing, and not taking head to the advice I was trying to give her. #WASTEOFTIME

4. Stop “taking” all of the time -  I think many of us like to be spoiled and doted on but you have to give it back in return.

Stop showing up to parties/events without bringing anything or offering to help set up or clean afterwards.

Stop expecting people to buy you gifts and call you for every occasion when you don’t do the same for them.

Stop borrowing money/items and not returning it in a timely manner, and in the condition you got it.

Stop expecting people to go out of their way to attend all of your life events (graduations, showers, wedding, births, business launch, etc) when you don’t do the same for them. It goes both ways…give and take. Selfish people end up by themselves!!!

5. Learn the art of being understanding without being judgemental – I used to be sooo judgemental!! Would turn my nose up at people’s actions like I was so above it and would never do such things. Then God knocked me off of my horse and I began to be tempted to do (and actually did do) some of those very same things. You never know where life will take you and what situation you’ll end up in. We all like to think we have it together, and use common sense 100% of the time, but this just isn’t true. Under the right (or wrong) circumstances anybody is capable of doing anything! When friends are in crisis they need someone to understand, not throw stones. If their choices bother you that much, cut them off.

6. The flip side of #5 is learning to take advice instead of shunning it – You don’t want anybody to tell you that you are wrong or living foul. You just want people to co-sign your foolishness and high-five your antics like it’s okay. You don’t want anybody to hold you accountable and expect better of you because they know you can do better. Stop being so sensitive and learn to take the honest truth. Like strong liquor, it’ll burn going down but once it settles in your belly you will see things differently. You should be able to look in the mirror your friend is holding up and say, you are right. I can do better. Pray for me.  

7. Stop being a bad influence - this really requires no explanation. If your friend is struggling with vices and/or character flaws the last thing you need to do is encourage it. If you have the same issues then together you could be a toxic pair and it might be best to end the friendship. Thelma and Louise was just a movie, and we all know how that ended.

That’s all for now folks. I could probably make a part 2 to this so stayed tuned, but I just wanted to give you all something to think about. Sit back for a minute and think about what kind of friend you are. We could all use a little self-check now and then. Be blessed!

Words of wisdom for today:

“Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.”

What you see is not always what you get. Some people have a way of pretending to be exactly what you want in order to reel you in. Once they have you they do a bait and switch. Jekyll and Hyde. Watch the warning signs from the very beginning. They have observed you first and know just what you’re lacking and they will play on that. This is why it is important to get to know someone (friend or potential mate) for a long time before you fall too deep and start handing out titles. Make them prove themselves first. Explore their history and find out how they were with other people because history can repeat itself.

Some people exaggerate what is going on in their lives and pretend everything is ok, instead of reaching out for the help they truly need.  You want to help them, but you can’t  because they refuse to accept that things are not okay. This is so sad to me because all you can do is watch the train fall off the tracks.

People have an agenda, and most of the time if they don’t like someone, anything they say about that person may be peppered with untruths or flat-out jealousy. Take it with a grain of salt. I learned this lesson particularly when it comes to rumors. There are three sides to a story. Side A. Side B. And the Truth. The truth is usually a mix of both sides. When hearing rumors about people, always examine the source. What agenda does this person have and what are they trying to accomplish?

Discernment is so important!! Listen to your gut/instinct/first mind/common sense…the holy spirit! It is there for a reason. I was so in tuned with mine years ago that I could literally see through people. I could interact with someone briefly and know if they were genuine or not. I knew who the snakes were and who I could truly trust. Then I lost my connection with God and wandered so far off the path I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I had let so many people into my life and they were all vultures.

I trusted without knowing.

Believed without questioning.

It’s hard to recover from that because it makes you want to put walls up and shut everybody out. I keep my walls on standby because there are times when they should be up.

See people for who/what they truly are.

Don’t ignore red flags.

Keep gossipers out of your ears, and stop repeating stories you heard from someone else if you weren’t there. You don’t know jack!

Lastly, stop deceiving yourself. Many times we know when a person is full of it, yet we play blind because it’s easier to go along for the ride because you have no better options.

Open your eyes and be blessed!

I had a long talk with one of my sisters’ last night about getting over past hurt, dealing with current issues in our personal lives, and generally how to become a better person. I explained to her that even when you think you’ve gotten over something, or gotten past a particular issue…years later remnants will still come to the surface. Something will happen to remind you of it, and pick the scab off of the wound.

Also, in life you are constantly growing and evolving. It’s like an onion with layers being peeled off little by little. It’s hard and bitter on the outside, but the closer you get to the center it becomes sweeter. This is a process that takes time. Over time, you will learn and discover new things about certain situations that you never thought about. You will see past situations from different perspectives, and get a better understanding of why something happened or a person did what they did. This is all a part of the learning and growing process and it takes time.

You cannot control what other people do, how they perceive you, or how they respond to the things you do. Thankfully, I learned very early on that I cannot please everybody, and that not everyone will like me. I don’t believe in giving other people power of my emotions  by making me react angrily or negatively. I can’t control their thoughts and what they believe about me, nor do I care. I am me and that will never change.

Stop wasting precious time worrying about what you did wrong, and why people did what they did. Instead learn to be better because of it and grow stronger from it.

Be blessed!

I have learned over the years to appreciate periods of solitude. Whether by choice or inadvertently, I often find myself alone. Years ago I prayed for God to remove people from my life that didn’t serve a purpose and people started dropping off like flies. Even very close long time friends. It hurt and it definitely showed me where I stood with certain people but I knew it was necessary. Sometimes you outgrow people and you have to know when a relationship has run its course.

A while back I joined a social group in hopes of meeting new people, making friends, and getting to know my new city. It caused more harm than good. I made connections with people who ultimately proved to be users and opportunists. I reached out to people I thought were my friends at times when I really needed someone, and was ignored despite the fact that I was always there for them. People smiled in my face and hated on me behind my back. It’s never worth giving up your self-respect just to belong to something. I’m too prideful for that, so I left it alone. I can’t stand cliques, phoniness, and ass kissing. It’s not who I am, and to be apart of it goes against everything I stand for. I blame myself because I was a poor judge of character and did not use discernment. That has been a constant theme in my life and something I hope to one day overcome.

So I am back at square one.

Some people need to feel needed, and only feel important when they have a million things going on. We don’t know what’s going on deep inside of them that drives this craving. Being busy may be a cover for problems they have on the inside that they do not want to deal with. They need the attention and approval of others to feel validated. They have to show off and brag about their accomplishments in exchange for praise and adoration. They don’t feel important unless they have a title behind their name. People puff their heads up and they think they are riding high…until they go home and look in the mirror. Then they realize that once the crowd is gone the emptiness returns. The problems are still there, and they are still unhappy.

My situation is contrary to this. For most of my life God has had me secluded in my own bubble because I have a vulnerable heart, and every time I step outside of that bubble, I regret it. Up until I was 11 years old I was my mother’s only child and a latchkey kid, so from very early I was used to being alone and entertaining myself. I learn so much more about myself when I am alone. Solitude forces me to deal with issues I never even knew I had. I am always soul-searching, trying to understand issues in my past and how they affect me today, and trying to prevent current conflicts from hindering my future growth.

If you are reading this and you can relate to either always finding yourself alone, or you drown yourself in “being busy” to hide the deeper issues inside of you, I want you to know that you don’t need the constant noise of other people and their drama drowning out your purpose. Take some time to reflect on what’s important to you. Are the things you’re involved in bringing fulfillment and purpose to your life? Or is it a distraction? Do you know who you really are without all of those distractions?

Silence and solitude bring to the surface inner conflicts, distress, and longings.  This can be upsetting or painful, but it is much needed purification!

Be blessed!

Whether you know it or not, people are watching you. Family, friends, associates, neighbors, enemies…they are all watching you. You might as well change your name to Prime Time because they are constantly tuned in.

They want to see if you will live up to their high expectations or sink to the lows they believe you are capable of.

They want to see if you will do what you said you will do.

Whether you triumph or fail…they are watching.

They are waiting for you to prove them right or wrong, and they care more about what’s going on in your life than in their own.

They want to brag about your successes because they haven’t accomplished anything. They are emotionally invested in everything you do as if their life depends on it. This poorly disguised “support” is merely and way for them to control and manipulate you because they have nothing going for themselves.

They gloat in your failures because it makes them feel better about their own. They want to feel like they are better than you in any way possible. They don’t want to relate to you, they want to feel justified in despising you.

So what will you do? Pretend they aren’t there while you crumble under the pressure to do well and be whatever it is they want you to be? Will you live a lie by pretending all is well instead of embracing life and it’s challeneges as it comes to you, and humbly thank God for every step…every blessing…every chance…and every lesson?

Or will you live your life unapolagetically and to the best of your abilities, and be accountable only to Godfirst, then self, and to those who truly matter? Will you watch them watch you, and smile while you press forward and fullfill your dreams on your own terms?

They won’t stop watching, so show them something they’ll never forget!

In the first message I discussed what a Grave Digger is, and described a Wolfer. In this part I want to delve deeper into how these people tick.

Grave Diggers know their life is a mess, but continuously choose to make one bad decision after another. If you have a close relationship with them, they won’t tell you the full truth of what’s going on in their life. Instead, you will get the clean version. A version where they try to make things seem better than they really are. You’ll hear that “everything is fine” and ”we’re doing great”, when really you’ve already heard from everyone across town that things are much worse. They will be too ashamed to tell you the truth, or feel like they don’t want to be lectured. As they are digging their grave, there is a mounting pile of dirt and they use this as a wall to hide from reality.

Some grave diggers actually cry out for help. Not in a productive way, but in a way that causes people to feel sorry for them and give them attention. They do this on social media by ranting about how messed up life is, and how certain people aren’t there for them. They cry on people’s shoulders about how badly they need a break, some help, and even love. But the truth is they do this to get sympathy. It’s a ploy to distract people from the fact that their life is a mess by their own choosing and they do not want to change it. All the love and support in the world will not encourage them to change because they don’t want to. They just want you to accept their mess and not hold them accountable. They see any bit of advice as you “judging” them, and you can’t tell them anything because according to them your own life is out of order too. If my life is out of order then I’m EXACTLY the one to tell you not to go the same route. Correct?

Last time I checked to not judge meant to not judge hypocritically…meaning don’t call someone out for something when you are doing the exact same thing. None of us are perfect, but it is from other’s imperfections that we can learn not to make the same mistakes. I don’t need “yes” men, and fake friends trying to appease me by patting me on the back before I walk into a mine field. I want them to say “don’t do it because I’ve been there and you’re making a huge mistake.” But nevertheless they will keep digging…

Now for the Wolfer…a.k.a “The Baddest M’Fer to Walk the Earth.”

*blank stare*

Wolfers love to argue. They think they know everything, and love to have the last word. I’ve never been much for arguing. It’s a waste of time, energy, and emotion. If I’m upset I prefer to calm down a bit before attempting to address the issue one on one, turn by turn, until it is hashed out. A wolfer cannot do this. They like to be loud, belligerent, and will try to demean you to the lowest possible degree. They want to provoke you and get an emotional response out of you so that you are on their animalistic level. They feel  empowered by doing this and get a sick satisfaction out of making people cry. This is the ugliest type of person I have ever seen.

They want to be seen as a fierce bully but their inner pain and brokenness can easily be seen if you are perceptive. When you encounter this type of wolfer, remember that they are lashing out. They seek weak people like themselves to devour, but when they meet a REAL wolf, they break down.

In a future post I will talk about how to deal with and possibly help these types of individuals.

When you are not happy, it seems like nothing is ever right or ever will be. For a long time I only focused on the negative things and what I DIDN’T have. I saw flaws everywhere, and lost sight of how good I really had it. I’m at a point in my life right now where I only want to focus on things and people that truly matter to me.

Back in the day I used to be cold hearted when dealing with people. I’d cut you off in a heartbeat if I felt you had negative energy or if you did me wrong. I was super discerning and could sense B.S coming from a mile away. I had this super tough exterior and it was hard for people to get through it. After a few years I saw how lonely I was because I had chosen to seclude myself. The good thing about that was that I had NO drama in my life. However, I wanted to open up and be more social. This caused me to throw caution to the wind and accept everybody that seemed cool. I was naive and trusted that people had good intentions.  I knew better, but I was trying to shed the hardness. I let people into my life that had ulterior motives and were not genuine. Sometimes we reach out to people who truthfully don’t care about us because we crave to be accepted or because we want what seems unattainable.

After a few falls and stumbles I got back on track. I have lost all care and concern for people and things that mean me no good. What is it worth to worry about folks that aren’t worried about you? Why constantly stick your hand in a hot flame when you know it will burn you? People serve a purpose in your life for a time and after that you must let them go. You must know when a relationship or situation has run it’s course and completely move on from it.

I don’t like giving people power over my emotions and I don’t need an ego stroke. I need real, genuine people to be down for me, and me for them.

Stop looking for validation from other people. Look around in your circle of friends/associates and determine if there is any fakeness, ass kissing, and competition. If your happiness depends on whether or not certain people like you then you are sailing on the wrong boat. You don’t need a bunch of yes men. You need people who will hold you accountable and encourage you to be a better person every single day.

Real confidence and happiness comes from within. It is not anyone else’s job to make you feel good about yourself. If I never have contact with another human being, I have peace that I love myself exactly as I am and anything I ever did was genuine. Screw the people who have you misunderstood because they didn’t know you that well in the first place. Forget the fly-by-nights who only want one thing.

Take some time and reflect on the people you’re involved with and stop trying to make bad situations work. See it for exactly what it is and cut the strings once and for all. You don’t need others to validate you. Make your mark and stand on your own.

Be Blessed!